"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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