You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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