would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize