I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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