the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
