I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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