ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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