Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
