i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize