I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
