we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
