Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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