those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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