i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
