you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
