At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
