I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
