so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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