I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
ttyl tear gas
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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