We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
