I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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