your parents love me but you hate me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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