I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
