when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
