Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
