Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
