I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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