1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
