He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
