girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ketchup is God's man juice
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
