Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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