I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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