i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
