Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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