Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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