whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
