He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
