I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
