She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
