she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize