One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
