Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
