I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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