I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize