My nipple is on Facebook.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
