My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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