My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
