please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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