She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
