Your tits are I can't wait for
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
