my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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