Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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