we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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