Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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