ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
