Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
