Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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