i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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