Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
