he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
