Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
