Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
