you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
