When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
