Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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