I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
