Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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