So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
