i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
