And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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